I have wanted to do something online for a while. That thing online was not a blog. My reason for not wanting a blog is because I have always been self-conscious about my inability to see simple spelling and grammar mistakes despite my best efforts.
I didn’t want to do a blog at first because I have learning problems that relate to English. I cannot remember if it is dysgraphia or dyspraxia or if I have both. I usually tell anyone that asks that I have dyslexia because everyone understands what dyslexia is without having to explain much. I have very poor spelling; I do not understand grammar and have certain words that I cannot tell the difference between when they are on paper. My learning problems don’t just affect my written work they also affect my balance and motor skills. I was self-conscious at first about writing a blog because I know there are going to be spelling and grammar issues. I am still self-conscious about those issues so I have spent far too much time fretting about even making my blog live in the first place and will probably end up fretting over every single post I share.
I wanted to share something online despite my issues with English and my self-consciousness about everything I do. I have been sharing fanfiction for years. While sharing my fanfiction has helped my self confidence with being able to share my work online at all, I also go through slumps when I think I have finally managed to catch all the obvious spelling and grammar errors only to have even more pointed out to me after I post. Those missed mistakes send the confidence nose diving. Since I decided I was not going to do a blog, three years ago, I started researching and learning everything I could about YouTube and Twitch. Twitch is the platform that interested me the most since I felt that talking live to others would be the fastest way to build my confidence. I did attempt to do some live streams through Twitch. Even with everything set to the lowest settings and playing side scrolling platformers, my internet spent the entire time buffering and lost most of my streams. I am not able to get faster internet unless I move house, something I don’t plan to do anytime soon since I own my house and like the area I live. I just hope that the internet infrastructure will be improved in the area I live in eventually and that I can then do something live like I have always wanted.
Despite deciding I wasn’t able to do Twitch I still watched every video I could about how to do Twitch along with how to do YouTube. I researched for a long time and purchased a few items for the channel that I planned. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. It ended up being a bigger learning curve then I thought to start YouTube, and I still have not got myself to the point where I am able to film and upload videos regularly.
With choosing to do YouTube I found myself having to relearn how to use Photoshop. Something I used to do for fun and I had to relearn how to edit videos. I thought I could pick up where I left off, but that was not the case. Everything I used to know was gone. I had to relearn from scratch. It was not like riding a bike. I couldn’t just pick up from where I left off and go.
The hardest thing has been recording the audio. I have recorded audio for many videos that I have not ended up sharing because I have said sentences in the wrong order or not said certain words at all. I tried to do audio for this blog post, but it didn’t quite match what I had typed out once I was done. If I read off a script I still have the same problems along with the issue of being able to tell that I was reading off paper because there is no life in my voice and I pick up the sound of the paper crinkling in the background. I am just not happy with the quality of audio I am producing at the moment. It is something I have to push myself to keep recording and keep practising because it is something that will improve with practice. A few videos have got to sharing point, and even those I was willing to post I consider terrible. I have been in none of the videos I have shared, using still images for most of my shared videos. I don’t want to be on camera, and I still need to improve my editing skills and my photo taking skills and recording skills in general. There is so much that I still have to learn and so little time to learn while keeping up with full time work, housework, yard work, seeing friends and family and my hobbies. Finding the time to learn everything has been more difficult then I assumed when I decided I was going to do something online. I didn’t expect that doing YouTube would be easy which is why I spent so much time researching. It was still harder then I assumed.
I don’t plan to give up on either of my YouTube channels. I will keep chipping away, and I will improve over time. Like I have kept chipping away at my writing daily, the hobby that I consider the most important of all my hobbies.
My main reason I decided to blog is that this side of the internet is not hard. I did not have to research on how to make a website or how to write my blog posts. I was writing out all my scripts for my channel and have more scripts written out then videos recorded, more than I have time to record. At my current skill level when it comes to recording and editing I don’t think I will be complete my recording of backlog videos anytime soon. Writing what I want to say is easies then actually saying it and sounding confident while saying it is hard. Putting my videos together has needed relearning and that relearning has been slow. I found writing down all my troubles that I have had so far is helping. I want to make progress with something online so I am going to start with this blog and attempt to post on a regular basis.
I look at other people doing YouTube and Twitch, and I think to myself, I can do this. I know that I can do this. But it has been hard to get myself to keep going after I have started. I have started a blog and YouTuber to build up my confidence. I know that I can do this.